MicrosoftTM Trek
The Next Generation
© 1997-2001 by bero@redhat.com
Last change: Upgraded to Windows XP, added away team scene
Hereby placed under the GNU Free Documentation License (FDL) 1.1
PICARD
Captain’s log, star date 48101.4. We are proceeding to the planet taRas. The inhabitants of that planet made contact with earth in the year 2002, and we haven’t heard of them since then. We have been ordered to investigate. Since the secret service has reported Romulan activity in this area of space, we are afraid the worst may have happened.
DATA
taRas is now in sensor range. We are detecting life signs, and a low level of technology. They have developed computers, but they have not yet invented warp engines.
PICARD
Strange - they were more advanced than humans when they first visited earth, and now, they seem to be just at about the same level they were back then.
How could there have been no advancement in the last 400 years?
DATA
Actually, it was 371 years, two months, four days, two hours, eight minutes and six seconds ago, Sir. But I do not know a reason, either. It certainly contradicts the rules of parallel planet development and some social evolution theories.
WORF
We are being hailed by the taRas.
PICARD
On screen.
WORF
It’s not possible. They are transmitting binary data only.
PICARD
Mr. Data, see what you can find out.
DATA
They are sending data directly to our ship’s computer. Trying to decode. It would appear… Please wait… processing… processing…
PICARD
Mr. Worf, we can not permit that. Raise shields.
WORF
It’s not possible.
PICARD
Why?
WORF
Maybe you should have a look at this, Sir.
(Picard gets up, looks at Worf’s console)
WORF’S CONSOLE
SHIELDS caused a general protection fault in module SECURITY at address 0317:13AE.
PICARD
Mr. Data, see what you can do about this.
DATA
Stand by. Processing… Processing…
PICARD
Mr. LaForge, report to the bridge!
LAFORGE
On my way.
PICARD
Open hailing frequencies. Maybe the taRas can help us.
WORF
Frequencies open.
PICARD
This is Captain Picard of …
MAIN VIEWER
Out of memory
PICARD
Try an audio-only transmission, Mr. Worf!
WORF
Aye, Sir. You can speak.
PICARD
This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation …
WORF
My console is displaying a rather strange error message, Captain. Modem at COM2: is not configured correctly.
PICARD
Modem? I’ve heard of that in a physics lesson at the academy. Wasn’t that an old form of communication, Mr. Data?
DATA
Stand by… Processing…
(LaForge enters)
PICARD
Mr. LaForge, see what you can do about Mr. Data and the ship’s computer. Oh, and do you know for sure what a “modem” is?
LAFORGE
Yeah, it’s an old device for communication between computers. Modems have become obsolete when we developed micro-transmitters in the year 2004.
PICARD
Were they still used in 2002?
LAFORGE
Sure. They were quite common in that era.
PICARD
Maybe the taRas copied the system when they visited earth. Mr. Data, get all information available about that era’s technology.
DATA
Please wait.
PICARD
(sighs) Worf, see what you can find out about the era.
WORF
Trying. The computer says drive C: is running in compatibility mode, and slowed down. It will probably take a few hours.
PICARD
We can’t affort to wait that long. Are the transporters still operational?
LAFORGE
The transporter console has been displaying a warning about “Installation aborted due to unsupported hardware”, but other than that, it appears to be working.
PICARD
Very well. Number One, assemble an away team.
RIKER
Riker to engineering. Please send 2 computer experts to transporter room one. (Leaves for the turbolift)
TROI
Captain, I am sensing a lot of stress from you. There’s nothing you can do until either the away team reports back or engineering gets the computer back online. Take some time off.
PICARD
Number One, you have the bridge. Inform me as soon as you’ve found out something.
(fade to Holodeck 1)
PICARD
Computer, load program Dixon Hill 2.
COMPUTER
Please wait… Loading ActiveMovie…
10% … 20% … 50% …
(later…)
COMPUTER
60% …
(much later…)
COMPUTER
… 90% … 96% … 100% … 102%
Program complete. You may now enter.
PICARD
(enters Dixon Hill’s office, sits down, and falls asleep)
(fade to planet. The away team is materializing. The planet looks very similar to early 21st century earth.)
RIKER
Let’s see what the tricorders can tell us.
ENGINEER
(Takes out a tricorder, scans the area. The tricorder takes much longer than usual.) Commander, you’d better take a look at this.
RIKER
(Walks over to the engineer, takes a look at the tricorder)
TRICORDER
Exposure to taRas air has modified the tricorder’s hardware surface. Your hardware configuration has changed since the last reboot. Please call the Microsoft anti-piracy department at 1-900-RU-LEGIT. You have 30 seconds to enter the 82 digit registration code Microsoft will supply after reviewing your license.
(fade to holodeck 1, where Picard is still asleep in Dixon Hill’s office).
(Suddenly, the holodeck turns completely black and Picard is hit by several flying windows)
PICARD
(lands on the floor since his chair has disappeared) whoa!
COMPUTER
Please enter the correct password to disactivate the Flying Windows Screensaver and press enter to continue.
PICARD
What the hell is this?
COMPUTER
Invalid password. Please reenter the correct password to deactivate the Flying Windows Screensaver and press enter to continue.
PICARD
Computer, emergency shutdown. Authorization picard omega three.
COMPUTER
Invalid password. Please reenter the correct password to deactivate the Flying Windows Screensaver and press enter to continue.
(finally Picard uses the manual override to cut power to the holodeck and reboots the system)
PICARD
Computer, restart Dixon Hill 2.
COMPUTER
Unable to comply. This system has not been shut down properly. Unsaved files might have been deleated. Directory Dixon Hill no longer exists.
WORF (enters)
Captain, we have some new information. Please come to the bridge.
PICARD
Why didn’t you just use your communicator?
WORF
(sighs)Communicators are no longer operational, Captain. The computer has deleted all Netscape Communicators and installed Internet Explorer.
(they walk to the turbolift.)
PICARD
Bridge.
COMPUTER
Searching harddisk for BRIDGE.EXE. Found in C:\PRIVATE\CRUSHER.WESLEY\GAMES\CARDS. Executing…
DISPLAY AT TURBOLIFT WALL
(displays a set of bridge cards)
Do you want rules?
WORF
(rips the display’s cables out of the wall, enters bridge coordinates manually.)
(They finally arrive on the bridge)
DATA
Processing… Please stand by.
WORF
(walks to the science station, checks the data)
A number of people in 2002 had an operating system called “Windows XP”, which was known for its bugs.
PICARD
Is it possible that the taRas copied this Windows XP to our computers?
WORF
Sure it is. They’re using unconventional weapons. They have no honor. I recommend to fire a full range of photon torpedoes.
PICARD
Captain’s log, supplemental. Our ship’s computers, including Mr. Data, have been infected by a strange virus, known as Windows XP. Mr. LaForge is working on a way to
COMPUTER
(system beep) The wave recorder does not support files that are longer than 60 seconds. Your file has been erased.
WORF
Something is showing up on the sensors!
PICARD
On screen.
WORF
The science station displays a rather strange message, Captain… “Out of display memory.”
LAFORGE
This was a common problem with old computers running operating systems that didn’t support the VESA VGA standard. Try reducing the resolution or the number of colors.
WORF
This seems to work.
(Picture on the screen changes)
TROI
The BORG!
LAFORGE
Not really. In a low resolution like this one, everything looks like a cube.
Judging from the color, I’d say this is a Romulan Warbird.
PICARD
Can you get the shields up?
COMPUTER
General protection fault
PICARD
Red alert!!!
WORF
It’s not possible. The computer says there’s an IRQ conflict between the soundcard and the scanner!
PICARD
We need all crew members in their positions! Deactivate scanners, activate red alert siren!
WORF
Sorry, Sir. Due to the IRQ conflict, we cannot deactivate the scanners without deactivating the soundcard. And we cannot deactivate the soundcard without deactivating the scanners, either.
PICARD
Merde.
WORF
They’re powering up their weapons!
PICARD
Fire phasers!
WORF
The computer is prompting for a Manufacturer OEM driver disk for an unknown device at DMA 3, Captain. This seems to be the primary phaser array.
LAFORGE
People in 2002 used laser printers… And phasers are not that different from lasers…
PICARD
It’s worth a try. Mr. Worf, set printer driver to HP LaserJet IV. Print!
WORF
Printer driver set. Loading Word…
(5 Minutes later)
WORF
Word just caused a general protection fault in module KERNEL32, Sir. I suspect they used undocumented functions that are no longer supported in Windows XP.
PICARD
Try the Print Screen key!
WORF
Computer estimates it will start printing in 19 minutes.
PICARD
Get us out of here! Warp 8!
LAFORGE
I’m afraid that won’t be possible, Captain! It’s common knowledge that Windows XP deletes OS/2-Warp-Engines during installation.
WORF
The Romulans are hailing us.
PICARD
Try to get them on screen!
VIEWSCREEN
(Displays a picture of a Romulan, 16 colors, 640×480. Large letters appear)
FEDERATION STARSHIP
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR COMPUTER SYSTEMS
YOU ARE VIOLATING THE PEACE TREATIES
SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY
PICARD
That’s an idea. Try to answer in the same way. Send the message:
ROMULAN SHIP, WE ARE EXPERIENCING THE SAME PROBLEMS.
WE DID NOT SEND YOU THE VIRUS. IT SEEMS TO COME FROM THE PLANET.
RECOMMEND TO WORK TOGETHER IN ORDER TO GET OUR COMPUTERS WORKING.
DATA
They are transmitting a program directly to our computer. It seems to be a new operating system. Remove their operating system. It is an old form of communication between computers used to exchange programs, data and letters. What is important about the era in the current situation is that some people used a faulty operating system known as Windows XP. It is not possible, because my current operating system does not support multi-tasking adequately.
PICARD
What was that???
DATA
The answers to the questions you asked me while I was unable to respond, Sir. I could not reply to them earlier.
Windows XP does not support voice output, Sir.
PICARD
Ah, well, forget it. How have you restored your system?
DATA
I have rebooted from an ext3 partition of my brain. Windows XP was not able to read the data on the partition, and so it could not find my original operating system and delete it.
PICARD
Repair the ship’s computers in the same way. Raise shields immediately, so they can’t transfer the system again.
DATA
Aye, Sir.
(Makes it so)
COMPUTER CONSOLE
Uncompressing LCARS (Linux Computer Add-on for Reliable Systems)…
Ok, now booting the kernel…
PICARD
Looks good. I think we should help the taRas get rid of that system, as well.
TROI
Violate Prime Directive?
PICARD
No, Number One. Windows XP was written by Microbrain-Soft, an ancient earth computer software company. We are actually undoing damage that was done by our interference before we had the Prime Directive.
DATA
I agree. And, Captain, I think we have found the reason why there was no advancement on taRas. It was the same situation on earth when humans used Windows XP. Before completing any sort of research, the computer erased all data on the project for some unknown reasons.
PICARD
Interesting theory, Mr. Data.
DATA
Yes. It is strange that there is still a copy of Windows XP in the universe. According to our informations, the last copy was deleted stardate 003.1 on the Ferengi homeworld.
PICARD
The Ferengi? How did they get hold of the system?
DATA
When Microbrain-Soft first released Windows XP, they spent a lot of money on advertising it - successfully. People bought and actually used Windows XP until they learned to understand their computer breakdowns were not hardware related, as Microbrain-Soft claimed.
The Ferengi found out about this, and recognized their own business practices being used on earth. They made secret OEM reseller agreements with Microbrain-Soft, and thought they could make profit selling Windows XP.
However, when their central banking system broke down after installing Windows XP, they thought it wasn’t worth the risk, and deleted their copies.
PICARD
How could Microbrain-Soft sell that many copies? I know there were some other systems on Earth…
DATA
Well, Windows was not the only system that had problems. The Klingons stopped using Macintoshes when we found out that their ships can be detected while cloaked by simply listening for the system beep, the Atari ST operating system “TOS” was no longer used when Microbrain-Soft spread rumors that TOS ment “The Obsolete System”, OS/2 was thought to be “Half an Operating System”, people erratically thought Unix was for experts only, and Microsoft still made them believe so when Linux eventually got easier to use than Windows with the release of KDE 2.0 in 2000. In fact, people on Earth kept using Windows operating systems until the last Windows developer switched over to Linux in 2004. And of course…
PICARD
Enough reasons, Mr. Data. We have more actual matters to take care of. Transmit a message to the Romulans. Tell them how they can get rid of the system.
WORF
I must object! Leaving them with this system would be our ultimate chance to defeat them!
PICARD
No… It would not be fair. Not even the Romulans deserve this.
DATA
Aye, Sir.
PICARD
Just in case the Romulans accidentally try to print a text, get us out of here.
(synthesizes and wears a Red Hat)
Warp 7.2.
